It’s not always about your box

Remember those commercials or tv shows that portray a new mother or father and they have this epiphany where they realize “It’s not all about you anymore”. I didn’t have that epiphany at the age of 18 when I had my first child. I had things to do and goals to reach and having a child was not going to stop me from reaching them. If anything, it would better the life of my child.

I had that epiphany on March 24, 2009 while on a blackberry messenger convo with my best friend.

We were talking about marriage and long term relationships and she had mentioned that the thought of marriage to her right now is scary. I said that being idle right now is scary. To me, if there’s no change, there’s no excitement and there’s no growth. At 26, I don’t have any particular goals and it scared me that I was at this point. I’ve always been a goal oriented person. I wanted to play Division 1 college volleyball on a scholarship (check!), I want to graduate college in 4 years (check!), I want to get my Master’s degree (check!), I want to get a good job (check!). Now— notice it’s all I want. I’ve gone through my checklist at this moment in my life (with the exception of marriage but I will leave that for another post).

So as I sit here at the office contemplating about my next life goal, a message from my best friend buzzes in my blackberry. It reads “Is it ok to not always be changing? I mean, you can’t make up goals from nowhere. Maybe you should focus on Payton as a goal. Not everything has to be a life milestone or be printed on a piece of paper.” She goes on to say “You can make improving your and Payton’s life a personal goal.”

This confuses me. I’ve never really thought of it as such. I’ve always wanted to make a big impact, to have a huge horrah, something tangible so that I can say and show that I’ve accomplished something in my life. I’m left with the questions “Where do I start?” “How do I know if and when this will be accomplished?” At this point my best friend was concerned that I hadn’t responded to her message so she sent another message that said “What did I do?” and I respond “You’re making me think outside my box” and she responds back “It’s not always about YOUR box”. That’s when I had my epiphany.

She was right. It’s not always about my box. That’s what confused me. I did things to make sure that Payton was taken care of. But I would need to do those things anyway to make sure I was taken care of as well. I would do those certain things inspite of the fact that I have Payton in my life. Payton will be starting his own schedule soon with all his extracurricular activties like football practice. It’s time for me to focus on those things now.

However— I think a reason why I haven’t jumped from my box into another is because I am afraid of being that parent who gets too involved in their kids’ lives that they completely forget they, too, have a life of their own. Grant it my situation is a little different in that after I had my child I was able to go back to school and focus on my education and myself. It had carried over in a lot of ways because I didn’t have to be a full-time mom right away.

Payton’s growing up fast. I need to focus on being a mom and being there for my child. But I always have to keep in mind that I will always and forever be Marie…but outside of my box.

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